Give up yourself, and you will find your real self

I found this as I was roaming about through C.S. Lewis quotes. It is exactly what I am trying to understand in my life at the moment. I do hope you all will enjoy :)

"But there must be a real giving up of the self. You must throw it away ‘blindly’ so to speak. Christ will indeed give you a real personality: but you must not go to Him for the sake of that. As long as your own personality is what you are bothering about you are not going to Him at all. The very first step is to try to forget about the self altogether. Your real, new self (which is Christ’s and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Does that sound strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters. Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. The principle runs through all life from top to bottom. Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. 

    Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in."

C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity (1952; Harper Collins: 2001) 223-225.

Ice Cold Water and Lots of Sun from Chang Mai!

Hello to all from Chang Mai :) I am currently lying on my comfy bed chilling to Travis sipping an ice cold sprite from a glass bottle with a rotating fan blessing me from afar every 8 seconds. My two companions are both passed out on their own individual beds being blessed at intervals of 8 and 4 seconds as well (I have the window bed :D). God has blessed us immensely :)

I`ve been here for a week and a half and I can't say how much I`ve enjoyed my time here. It`s been rather incredible to say the least :) I`m especially glad I was here in Chang Mai for Songkran, the Water Festival, the worlds largest and most epic water fight! But I will back up before I tell my war glory stories or boast of any battle scars.

Last I updated I was in Mae Sot in quite a cozy coffee shop just coming back from a week and a half in two different Karen villages. Well shortly after our day off, we all piled into Gugu`s (Our translator) truck and headed for a third Thai Karen village not too far from Mae Sot. It was easter Sunday :) We arrived and shortly after changing into our church clothes headed through the village and up a long cement stair case up to the church sitting on a hill overlooking the village. It was a really nice church! It even had wooden pews :D.

For one thing it sure was the most interesting Easter Sunday service I`ve been too haha. Usually in Karen villages there are a lot of boys(usually a little more boys than girls) in church which is an unusual but awesome statistic. However in this church there were a lot of girls. They had two choirs, one children's and one teenage choir, both almost made entirely out of girls. The biggest thing that stuck out to me in this service was the 15 – 20 minute prayer at the end :p. After the service we were invited for lunch and had quite a delicious meal :) That evening the whole youth group with lots of teenagers came over to the house we were staying at for evening worship. Ahh absolutely beautiful and lovely to hear familiar worship songs (and new ones!) in the Karen language. I just felt God`s presence dwell with us. And I could feel it in the air, true and utter worship and sincere desire for God. He rewards those who seek His face.

For the next couple days we did a lot of children`s program everyday, and a couple of us helped one of the villagers finish his Bamboo hut (bamboo porch with railing and all!) :) That was fun! I`ve never enjoyed using a machete more! At night the whole village goes to bed around 8:30-9ish, so around this time I would go outside and look at the night sky in the dark and in the quiet. It was absolutely breathtaking and so tranquil to stand alone gazing upwards talking to God and paying visit to old familiar friends in the sky.

One day I decided to take a walk in my spare time and headed out of the valley up onto the hills. The hills here are extremely steep but not too tall, kind of like oblong turtle shells that grew up instead of out. With Switchfoot`s new cd as my background music I climbed with passion and tenacity! I love it when my whole body can participate in worshiping my king :D. At the top of every crest I would get a new and revealing view of the surrounding valleys and distant rice fields or distant trails running up even steeper hills with rocky cliffs jutting out their sides. Beautiful scenes that will be crystallized in my memory as long as I live. I prayed for the village and just felt like a new part of my heart had awoken inside of me.

If there is one thing that I will remember and take away with me from the Karen people, one thing that I learned, one thing that characterized them, was their utter and complete hospitality. We would go house visiting again every night and no matter where we went they had refreshments and snacks prepared or quickly prepared for us. Here we are rich white foreigners visiting these beautiful people`s humble houses who don`t have much and work all day long just so they can put rice on the table for their family, I just felt different. They would spend the little money that they saved on Cola and cookies so they might have something to offer us.

What do I offer visitors or friends back home? The first thought I had was to bake a cake everytime a friend comes over when I get back home :p But then it made me think... what do I have to offer them? For one quick moment I thought “nothing.” They have the love of Christ growing inside of them already, all I am is just a white boy from Texas eating their food. I felt rather useless to be honest.

But then they said something that made my ears twitch. In all of the houses all of the parents said that their biggest concern was that their children might have an education, especially to learn English. Ahha! And then I realized that one of the biggest blessings I`ve been given to give to others is the simple gift of friendship. Through offering basic needs to people, helping them improve their lives and helping them with whatever they needed I could form simple and life long friendships with these amazing people.

In the three days I was there I already felt sad to leave these friendships in such an early stage. The pastor of the church mentioned that he too was sad that we all have to leave after just getting to know each other. It made me want more. I realized that I`m not content with acquaintances... It also made me realize that missions is not some big emphasized time in life where we let God use us for ministry. Instead I realized that missions is simply being taught how to minister with your life. To love through living life, and to love deeply and unreservedly, it`s as simple but difficult as that.

We left for Chang Mai the next day. On the bus ride up there I had a great time of writing and was able to capture some of my thoughts by pen and paper which always picks up my spirit. It was quite a different turn from bamboo hut villages to the city with mopeds songtaos (Taxi trucks) and nice guest houses with beds and fans! I honestly believe I`m living in luxury at the moment. The market is not far away where I can buy two juicy sweet ripe mangos for 50 cents.

The ministry and atmosphere is definitely different these last two weeks but I`ve enjoyed it just as much as the simple and quiet lifestyle of the villages. Here at the YWAM guest house is another DTS team from Sunshine Beach Australia. I`ve really enjoyed the additional company in ministry :)

Here in Chang Mai we are working with two different ministries. Home of Joy (Orphanage/ Family of eight awesome kids that know more bible stories than most of us, and correct us if we forget an important detail in any of them) in the morning from 9-12ish and Night Bar ministry late from 8-12ish. It`s absolutely two completely opposite ministries in the same day, but we love it!

Working with all the kids at Home of Joy is just that, a great joy for me :) However it is rather exhaustive especially after staying up late at the bars every night. To say these kids are energetic would be deceiving :p They are pretty crazy whirl winds of joy that can speak Thai and English very well. There are 7 boys and 1 girl. I really love these kids, and they love to have fun! I can't say much more due to safety reasons but they are great kids and I miss them alot!

Great kids! My specialty with them is either reading their favorite books to them (Berenstein Bears! Woot!) and our daily paper airplane race after the bible story :) The two big outings we`ve done with the kids was a rock climbing adventure at this rock climbing wall place, and taking them all out to play in the Water Festival! I will miss them when we have to leave...

Regarding the night bars, the guys on my team in partnership with Johnny (an Australian sounding swiss dude) and Dan (An intense Californian who lives in Washington) have pioneered friendships and connections with the gay bar section here in town. To say the least our time at these different bars has been great!

I for one have quite a larger world view and outlook on the whole subject of being gay. At first I was shocked, then I was saddened, and now I accept and see the truth behind so many of these mens false identities and am focused to become friends with them and love them for who they are. Like I said, at first I was shocked. The majority of men that visit these bars are 50-60 years old and older and are all white foreigners from Europe, Canada and the U.S. After having many talks with many of the customers, it`s appalling how warped their worldview is and how much their thought life and as a result their ability to hold a conversation revolves around sex.

I`ve heard things like this. “12 years old and up is okay. They start having sex on their own at that age anyway.” “Slums in Thailand? Are you serious? Thailand is so nice now, it can be compared with Switzerland.” “I thought all boys played around with each other when they were 15 or 16...”. The whole scene of this place is dark, but not in a scary way, just in a twisted way. It`s all set up with young Thai guys trying to make some money by being “company” to the customers. What made me especially sad and sick to the stomache/angry is seeing that one of the “drifters”, gay prostitutes that hang out in the bars looking for work, couldn`t have been older than 14.

It`s a pretty sick and demented system set up, and all of us have been challenged, but God has protected us and it seems that no matter what we see or experience, that it just bounces off of us and doesn`t affect us. I`m also constantly affirmed and reminded of my masculinity, it`s pretty much black and white. All of the customers can tell that I`m not gay as soon as they see me, and that kind of confuses them to as why I`m hanging out at a gay bar. Yet they are all starving for true conversation and real masculinity with people who haven`t put up a false identity so it is easy to talk to people and generally they are open and amiable.

I talked to this one guy named Tony from Vermont for almost 2 and a half hours one night. He was about 40 years old and lived in Thailand. Owned a ring manufacturing company and for some reason was filthy rich. Dan and I started to get to know him, and when the subject of religion came up we were surprised to hear that he used to be a southern baptist when he lived in Florida. He said the reason he left the church was the hypocrisy in the church. A deacon gave a sermon that was rather “anti-gay” and the next week Tony saw the same guy in a gay bar. When he confronted the pastor, the pastor did not act.

So Tony said he was done with that crap. However, he was well versed in the bible! Although I think he was well versed in a way that was a little twisted, kind of like a man that uses a warped mirror as an indicator of his true reflection. He used different bible verses in ways that they weren`t necessarily supposed to be used, however all in all he quoted most of them correct. At this point Dan and him got in a little bit of a scuffle about Christ and the idea of abusing grace, and I was afraid it was going to get bad. Both of them were saying mostly truth, but refusing to hear the truth of the other. Voices were raised and it got a little iffy looking, but I was able to calm Tony down a little bit. After Dan left, Tony kind of went back to normal and the atmosphere turned calm and open again.

So we talked a lot about his life, and what he believes. We talked about Buddhism and Christianity. We talked about his father and his childhood. We talked about physics and entropy. Ahh it was great :D! By using one of my passion in physics I was able to give him a couple thoughts regarding God and what Christ did in a different way than he had ever wondered. And in the end we talked about doing good, his orphan work in Burma and the mission work that I did here in Thailand. We talked about the depravity of man, and how we should strive to make a better world (I put in, through Christ`s power haha.). In the end we didn`t feel like we shoved our idealogical beliefs down each others throats, but instead thoroughly enjoyed discussing them.

As we ended our conversation he told me I was one of the wisest men he knows and that it gave him hope to see someone else who was fighting against the darkness. This confirmed something inside of me that I have always been wondering and hoping about. The fact is, I don`t want to witness with my mouth. It`s like that famous quote from St. Francis of Assisi “Preach the gospel always, if necessary, use words.” I believe it wasn`t what I said to Him that impacted him so much, as to how I said it and the fact that I truly took interest in him and in what we were discussing. I believe he saw something different in me, and I`m just glad that God shown through! At the end of our conversation we were laughing like old friends (He wasn`t drunk) and I felt real joy being shared between us! I`ve always prayed... “God help me to love these people.” as if it was something I could`t do with a honest heart. As if talking to these people was something I had to force myself to do. But as I`ve gone to the bars every night, it becomes real and honest through God`s love inside of me, and I truly want to be there!

To say the least God is teaching me so much, and using me for even more I believe! He really is shaping my heart and my weapons of truth/love on the front line of battle. When I push myself in the midst of the darkness out of my comfort zone that is when God shines through and makes towers and mountains crumble before me. The darkness can not hide from His light. I know it sounds ironic, but He is teaching me how to fight with His love. The darkness, with all of its lies and deceit and its ability to hide is nothing compared with the ultimate reality of His love breaking down mighty strongholds.

The truth is....
Eph 6:12 “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.”

But the good news is...

Isaiah 61:1, 4 “The spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound.... They shall rebuild up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair ruined cities, the devastations of many generations.”

Rom 8:38-39 “ For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

So anyways that`s what my last two weeks have been like :)! Book wise, I finished C.S. Lewis`s masterpiece “Till we have Faces” in the Karen village and was blown away once again! This time reading through, I feel like I got a lot more than last time and it really stuck with me! Such good truth in this book. It`s hard to describe my love and appreciation I have for this book haha. And at the moment I am reading “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge and I am being blown away. I`ve seen this book, heard of this book, but always kind of wrote it off. However now that I`ve given it a chance, its like the perfect time for me reading it! It`s basically Father Heart of God teaching directly focused at men, sooo good :D Little to say, I`m thoroughly enjoying this book!

Last but not least, the water festival was epic! I went out everyday in the streets surrounding the moat and threw buckets of ice cold water on people :) I was actually able to film some the last day with a waterproof plastic bag for my camera, but I don`t know if the video is good or if I will have time to upload any. I hope I will! This event will forever be one of my favorite memories of all time! I`ve never had so much intense water fun in my whole life. Especially getting the dry people :p

Anyways I love you guys, and thanks for praying and following my story. You guys mean a lot :D Prayer requests are just for good conversations in the Gay bars and for God to break down false identities and lies that these men have convinced themselves of. As well as for the children at Home of Joy, they need love and male influence. I pray that God will use me as that this last week we are with them. Also prayer for team unity and boldness to be open and honest within the team. :)

All the best!

Go Under the Mercy
-Sam

Thailand A`hoy Mateys!! I Am A Gift...

Egads!! We had a team meeting today and I realize that only three days have to come and go before we will be dropped off in 36 C (95 F) weather in the middle of Bangkok Thailand :D Still, even saying this I fully don`t understand the implications of the changes I`m about to experience. God is full of surprises and will provide and pave the way, but I feel like when I step I`ll be stepping in freshly laid concrete that wasn`t there the day before leaving my prints as I go.

I`ve learned sooo much in the last 6 months. I really can`t describe some of the changes and challenges and beautiful revelations God has been giving me through various experiences here in this cozy little town in Norway. I`ve learned alot about myself and feel equipped and confident in who God made me to be :) I`ve had such valuable opportunities to share what God has done in my life and what He has given me to people from across Norway and Europe. I`ve learned that no matter how small or big the talent, we should let it shine and give glory to Him! I don`t want to be the man that took his talent and burried it in the ground, I want to invest my entire being into His kingdom!

This whole period has been rather "me" focused, I won`t lie. And necessarily so at that! As my Swedish friend from Koster Island says "Before you go out, you must go in". Quite simply that is what God has tried to do with me these six months. I`ve fought and struggled with Him, but I`ve learned alot despite my own efforts. He has revealed Himself to me and inside me.

However I`m coming to the point where I simply have to get over myself! :p I`ve learned alot and internalized alot, and resolved issues from my past. I`ve been equipped to live for Him and to live passionately. I feel like I`ve found the good life! Soo cozy!

Yet now I face phase 2 which simply says "Whoever finds his life will lost it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Matt 10:39 I never fully understood this passage until now, (or atleast how I interpret it). I`m now understanding that I`m faced with a choice. Go into these two months saving some face, not puting my expectations too high, settling for mediocrity and a comfortable living experience. Or... Pour myself out for the sake of His kingdom. I will "throw my life away" in the eyes of many, even my own, but as I give my life as a living sacrifice to do whatever He wills I trust that I will find a truer life than I ever imagined.

What am I willing to give? How much? What`s the point in asking "what`s in it for me?" anymore? Here is the beautiful and weight lifting truth, It`s not about me! Hallelujah, I thought I had drowned in my own ego by now. How much pain am I willing to endure? Is it really worth it?

It`s always worth it... for one child alone. Sometimes I feel like the song "Sleeping in the Light" By Keith Green really applies to me.

Open up open up
And give yourself away
You see the need, you hear the cries
So how can you delay

The world is sleeping in the dark
That the church just can't fight
Cause it's asleep in the light
How can you be so dead
When you've been so well fed
Jesus rose from the grave
And you, you can't even get out of bed

And there`s the kicker! This is where the line falls and by grace alone I stand on one side (or I should say jump and fall) or the other. Will I get my fuzzy bed head out of bed to do what He has said? How can I delay? His spirit has moved my heart, and spoken so much truth to me, I would be denying Him if I did. How can I be so dead, when I`ve been so well fed?

And this is what it comes down to. My motives. My heart. Will my actions and words reflect my heart, but more importantly will my heart reflect Him? The truth is when I change my motives from myself to Gods kingdom, I change from being a victim of my past to a player in Gods kingdom.

This is why I feel like I am about to be broken in half. I feel as if my pride will rain on my own parade and come crashing down only so the skies can clear and I relish in the simple joy of seeing the sun again. I feel as if I will be crushed by mercy and grace itself in horrifying ways that force me to be forgiving and giving to others. UGH ahhGH! This is going to suck! Seriously... as a friend of mine mentioned "all I see is pain in the forecast...". I had to laugh, but now I realize he may have been right.

The most glorious act in all of history, the ransom of our sins, was excrutiatingly painful to the whole being. We are to live as Christ lived. Why did I expect I could escape the pain factor of life? Through pain we find some of the most beautiful and precious things in the world. But who wants the precious things of the world? "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" Psalm 73:25-26.

Through sacrifice and through giving, through living the heart, the curtain is lifted from our eyes and we see the life that is truly life that we read about in 1 Tim 6:17-19 at the end of verse 19. And what are these treasures that are being laid up? Is there really a big big house, with lots and lots of food? Oh no these treasures are different...They`re treasure of the kingdom! And oh how they trump this world! "For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." Rom 14:17

In reality these three eternal spiritual truths are the true treasures in any life. This is what I yearn after, this is what I am trading my rags of desperate ego worship for. This is what I`m losing my life for. To find contentment in His hands.

So now all I have left is to be content in His hands, and cast away the lies that tell me to jump out and try stuff on my own because I`m strong and coragious. That`s such a laugh! Oh man. I`ve seriously got to be realistic with myself. I`m such a human man! Ahh its hilarious sometimes :) I really am mortal, and pretty weak in all respects. How could I assume with some air of arrogance that what I did have was rightfully mine?

Everything I have is a gift, everything I am is a gift. I am a gift, and gifts are made to be given. So I`m giving myself completely unreservedly over the top extremely radically to God, and commiting myself 100 % to be used by Him in Thailand. "Do whatever it takes, to make me into your original masterpiece..."

Go Under the Mercy
-Sam

Ps. Here`s a prayer folder my team-mate Helge cooked up for us! It means sooo much if you could take a look and keep my team and I in your prayers! Love you guys! Enjoy :)

http://helgehaugland.com/diverse/prayerfolder_thailand_march_may_2010_english_v3.pdf



This is just a little thing I wrote in Germany that I haven`t posted yet, but wanted to :)

Lovers Walked These Hills...


It`s startling to think of how this little village of Menzingen was once part of Nazi Germany. There`s such peace here. I hear the birds chirp through the winter sunlight. These steep hills lined with orchards and vineyards waiting to burst at the seems at the first mention of spring give me such hope! This place is undyingly romantic and archaic. The fact that other young men have stood where I stand partaking in this gift of beauty stirs somethings inside of me. I can see them standing as I stand now gazing down into the valley over the snow topped village to the hills and woods that lie beyond. It creates a sense of longing in the human soul that can not be explained nor fully fulfilled in the physical sense. Yet there is a beautiful sense of complete contenment in knowing this truth which overwhelms me, and I am thankful just for this short moment.

The church down in the village sounds it`s fifteen past, and I must be on my way. Yet I pause just one last time to cherish the contentment of my soul. God is good, and this simpleness that I behold is just a fragment of the root of truth. Just enough to season my day, to make my cold poridge of a life into a warm tasty bowl of broth that will heat my heart during the winter seasons. God knew what He was doing when He gave us senses to behold His creation. The result of true life is passion and pleasure in its most purest form, where everything is complete. When the striving of the days between physicality and spirituality give way to the calm and the rest found in unity. This is life, this is truth, this is beauty. How can we not fall in love?

This is my prayer. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmSrlZ6Uxe4